What day is it?

I can’t quite figure out why I haven’t been able to put my fingers to these keys to write in almost a month. Things have been heavy. Things have been complicated. I know writing always helps, but I also know about my doctorate degree in avoidance. It’s actually hard to digest that my last post was a month ago— the fear and lockdowns were beginning and here we are still in our homes like time stopped. It feels like we are living through something I would only read in a history book— but it’s currently happening all around me. I’m not going to lie; I’m struggling. Struggling to fill my day. Struggling to see a light at the end of this tunnel. My anxiety and depression take turns directing my days. But I’m coping. We’re all just coping. The best we can.

Sometimes that’s blowing through three seasons of The Crown in bed. Sometimes that’s making TikTok videos with my sister. But most of the time, I’m kinda numbing and blocking the world out. Staying in my dreamy room with my twinkle lights, fuzzy blankets and kitty. Which is beautiful and comforting— I’m so grateful to have this sacred safe space that brings me so much peace, but sometimes self-care is more than candles and naps. Sometimes self-care is to do lists, routine, doing the hard work— and that’s the part that doesn’t come very easily to me. Whether we like it or not, we have all been given this time to slow down and be with ourselves. The question we have to ask ourselves is, “What did you do with this time?”. I truly believe the world will never be the same after this and I hope to come out a different stronger person on the other side, as well.

The hard part is not knowing what “the other side” looks like. I do not know if there will be a position available (or offered) to me at the hospital upon returning from my medical leave— Well, I actually don’t even know if I will be well enough to get back to working in any capacity within my 90 day medical leave. All doctors appointments and treatments are on hold; I’ve just been managing my symptoms here at home. Still taking a new medication, which still has potential to help- but otherwise things are on hold. Unknown. How am I supposed to push through the depression and get myself moving if I don’t know where I’m going? Will I be returning to the hospital? Do I need to officially apply for SSI disability? Do I need to start re-learning pediatric speech pathology so I can do Teletherapy from home? I. Have. No. Idea. But I can’t stay stuck. I can’t lose another month of time to this heaviness. I know I’m not alone in this. Well, I hope I’m not alone in this. So what do we do?

I don’t have the answer to that question or I wouldn’t be writing this blog post, but I do know that we can and have to figure it out. For me, I need structure, lists, goals. Allow the yin to fade and ignite the yang for a little while. Focus on ‘Do’ing even if I don’t know exactly where it is headed. Action combats depression, just as plans combat anxiety. Maybe the lesson in all of this is really none of us know what the future holds, but we have to keep living each day despite it all. What did you do with your time?