So here I am. Spinning, too, on my pole. Finding purpose. Finding strength. Finding the woman I’ve always meant to be.

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For me, delving into pole has been about reclaiming and honoring my body just as she is. A body that has withstood layers upon layers of physical and emotional traumas; etching and sculpting me into the woman I am today. 

Most recently, I’ve been trying to process and bounce back from the events leading up to and following my endometriosis diagnosis. The amount of doctors, surgeons and specialists I saw, only to be turned away, would be unfathomable if it weren’t for all of the other women I’ve met with almost identical experiences. Years of knowing the source of my pain, only to be sent to orthopedic surgeons, hernia surgeons and interventional radiologists to “rule out” all other possibilities rather than believing what I knew to be true. Undergoing procedures, injection, driving hundreds of miles back and forth, only to be told my pain isn’t “bad enough” to warrant treatment. While I now see these closed doors as undeniable blessings, can you imagine the amount of physical and emotional pain that must be present to be begggging someone to cut you open and take out your organs? 

I wanted so desperately to be believed and to have some sort of solution to the thing plaguing my every day. Taking away my body, my career, my aerial practice, my relationships, my finances, my livelihood and, consequently, my mental health & wellbeing. But after being turned away from that final doctor, I was faced with the reality that I had to add one more disability, one more chronic condition to my list of daily realities. And so the grieving began. 

Over the next 3 years, I left my career, went into medication induced menopause, gained a bunch of hormonal weight, developed osteoporosis in my hip, took handfuls and handfuls of psychiatric medications and, honestly, let go of almost everything I knew. My world stopped. I couldn’t fathom the reality of moving forward with this type of pain. But time keeps moving. The world keeps spinning. And my body persevered.

At the start of all of this, I was 28 years old, working as a full-time Speech Therapist, a certified yoga instructor, in a long-term committed relationship, in the best shape of my life and with a large group of beautiful supportive women by my side. At the depths of all of it, I was jobless, hopeless, single, unable to leave my bed, and, truly, wanting to end it all. 

But here I am, now at 34. Once again, surrounding myself with strong beautiful supportive women. That remind me of my strength and the fire I’ve always had within me. I’m detoxing my body and mind from medications that, yes, helped to get me by but, honestly, only provided a bandaid to problems I now feel ready to face. I am walking anywhere from two to five miles a day, taking classes, and ever so slowly watching strong little muscles reappear where there was once only softness. I am, once again, working. But this time with greater purpose and balance; believing my struggles and story will lead me to people and opportunities beyond my wildest dreams. My endometriosis isn’t going anywhere. My chronic physical and mental illnesses aren’t going anywhere. But I am. I’m going places, damnit. 

The world keeps spinning. Even through the darkest pain. So here I am. Spinning, too, on my pole. Finding purpose. Finding strength. Finding the woman I’ve always meant to be.