Three Years Later ...

Three Years Later… This post still brings tears to my eyes. This was an incredibly dark time in my life. At that point I had been feverishly and actively fighting for answers and relief for over two years. Hearing that final “I don’t know how to help you” from that final Shand’s visit broke me and I couldn’t fight anymore. My world was spinning uncontrollably and I needed everything to stop. So I did. I stopped fighting. I stopped working. I stopped leaving my bed. And three years later, I’ve been really reflecting on what that time was for me. And the word that keeps coming up is grief. Grief of the idea that a pain-free life was possible. Grief of how I “think” the medical system should work. Grief of my ability to provide for myself in the way I wanted to. Grief of past versions of myself. Grief of future versions of myself. Unbeknownst to me, the whole world stopped spinning and started grieving along with me just a few short weeks later (check the date) when the planet entered into a pandemic. As terrifying and absolutely devastating as that time was for everyone, it almost allowed me to quietly grieve alone in my bubble with every excuse in the world not to leave. Because while I was grieving, I also ended up stumbling (dancing) into a following on TikTok which has sent me on the most incredible path of *Radical Acceptance* and honestly more purpose than I’ve felt in a long long time. I've met incredible men and women that face challenges so very similar to mine and I've also met men and women that face challenges I can't even imagine. I've learned that my literal and figurative scars are not going anywhere and deserve recognition. I can't honor the needs of a body I'm not fully accepting. In time, I found a doctor TWO BLOCKS from my house that presumptively diagnosed me with endometriosis within minutes of hearing my history and immediately started me on hormone treatment. Something not a single doctor had been willing to do for two years. A diagnosis. It meant everything. Since that time, I had been in hormone therapy induced menopause which allowed me to not only get a part-time job at one of my very favorite places in town, but last May I returned to working as a Speech Therapist at the same unit at the same hospital I soooo devastatingly left the day I made this post. I am eternally grateful for the rehab team that took me back in; giving me a chance to prove I had it in me. And apparently I do! Because I have been juggling three jobs and these chronic illnesses for 9 months now… Fuck. I’m so proud of myself. It has NOT been easy. Two and a half years of menopause was proving to be too much. The sweating. The weight gain. Depression. Insomnia. Things I was fed up just accepting as my norm. A bandaid for the greater problem at hand. The same doctor TWO BLOCKS away agreed to my requests to discontinue this medication and allow my body to naturally recalibrate. Well… within two months I ended up with (what we suspect to be) an ovarian cyst rupture on the same left side I’ve been casing down for FIVE YEARS now. It was absolutely excruciating but my doctor offered some silver lining. We officially know what we’re dealing with. There’s no question. I have endometriosis. I had symptoms. Went on this medication. My symptoms got better. Went off the medication. Symptoms came back even worse. BINGO! Where’s my prize? There has to be a prize in all this, right?! So here I am. In many ways exactly back to where I was February 27, 2020. I am having incredible amounts of pain with both ovulation and menstruation, as we think my left ovary is adhered to both my uterus and pelvic floor. And it’s still too risky to do any type of surgery….Buuuuut in many many ways, I am no where near where I was three years ago. I feel that in grieving I’ve gain strength and acceptance that wasn’t there before. I’m not running for a reality I no longer desire. I’m no longer able to work a 40 hour work week at a high-demand job and that’s okay. Pain is much more manageable in short bits with days and time to recharge. I don’t yet have a social life or incredible aerial practice back but I’m working on it. And I still grieve and get discouraged on the “I Should Be Able To...” blah blah blah but overall I feel like over the last three years, I’ve gain some insight, grit and determination to do what I gotta do because the world is going to keep on moving, bills still need to be paid and loved ones you need to make memories with. So I keep trying. And showing up. Even if it’s messy and I have to go home early. I keep showing up. And I’m really really proud of myself. That’s all. I Love You.